14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.