14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.