Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.