Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Jurassic park gets weird
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.