@heymonroe: 14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire' has done nothing for our career.
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@KevinFarzad: "Is it long enough to reach most people's beds?" "Yes." "Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter." -Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
@NotUrGumar: Whenever I feel like I'm a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don't feel so bad
@dafloydsta: [trying to get a massage] How much for a happy ending? "Sir, this is a library!" *whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
@ItsAndyRyan: I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I'd told her I was going to a funeral.