Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
You Might Also Like
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me trying to look natural in photos
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!