“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”