“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
pls suprot
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
No, YOUR illiterate.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*aggressively skips to my Lou*