Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*