Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don鈥檛 understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON鈥橳 EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I鈥檓 not like other girls, I know when I鈥檓 being irrational. I don鈥檛 let it stop me, but still
Hot hot hot 馃サ
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it鈥檚 probably pasture bedtime (i鈥檓 so sorry)
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[prison]
me: I think I鈥檓 breaking out
cell mate: no way that鈥檚 insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.