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Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner