14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
You Might Also Like
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I saw nothing
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.