15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You Might Also Like
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Donkey Kong sommelier
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.