15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
You Might Also Like
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.