15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I know karate and tons of other words.