15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
At least he brought enough for everyone
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen