15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
There is no “we” in pizza
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
this has to be peak English