15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
😂😂😂
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*