15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad