[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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*pronounces UPS like yoops
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Duolingo getting serious.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay