hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.