*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision