*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
You Might Also Like
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.