15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
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peak technology
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The Punning Dead.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address