[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped