150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
23. the denim jacket
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Husband of the year 😂
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me checking my bank balance online.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through