150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I hope they boil the right one.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.