15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.