152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I am, perchance
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.