152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?