Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
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My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
#Caturday
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.