I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.