When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work