16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.