… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I hate everything
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.