Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.