Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?