Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*