16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?