The Assassin.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
It do be feeling this way.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.