@fro_vo: 16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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@Bob_Janke: Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she's famous. Paris Hilton doesn't realize that ISIS didn't exist in 2004.
@krisv_723: Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big? Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
@Hobo_Splendido: All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn't want to talk to you.
@NymphoFor: Little do you know that in my head I've already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.