@fro_vo: 16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
@Donna_McCoy: I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
@Hormonella: If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
@Only_Fast_Eddie: My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
@ThatBrenna: People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.
@Crunch11b: All is fair in drunk and war.