@_SetTheHook_: I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.

@liz_buckley: People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@murrman5: dave is coming to play poker "dave from college or dave who walks like he's in a video game?" [dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

@Paxochka: Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

@causticbob: Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem is overused, just like your mum.