[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
🤣🤣🤣
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Smooooooth
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.