17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
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Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Damn he played himself
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.