“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
You Might Also Like
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!