17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Not all heroes wear capes.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.