17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
The game has officially changed 😎
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
R.I.P.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.