17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies