17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
You Might Also Like
never deleting this app.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”