17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”