18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Terribly Tuesday.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist