18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
You Might Also Like
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
checking out some reviews of my local library
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”