18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I feel it
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.